There’s a new poster up near my office for some woman’s magazine and the caption goes…

“Out of your league? Tips on how to hook him.”

I’m guessing the analogy is to fishing and getting a catch. But I wonder why anyone would want their date to have a horrible hook through his lower lip.

I find the premise of dating articles superficial and offensive. It turns dating into a game. It’s all about plotting and scheming:

  • how to choose him
  • how to meet him
  • how to make him take notice
  • how to make him ask you out
  • how to make him ask you out for a second date
  • how to make him pop the question
  • how to make him buy you what you want

It probably wouldn’t be half bad if following such steps actually guarantees a good relationship. But, those only ever work out in romantic comedies. I’ve dated enough guys in my lifetime to know that this whole thing is bull. This sort of dating doesn’t get you anywhere.

Dating must be realistic. If he was out of your league, why would you want to date him in the first place?

There are a lot of reasons people get attached nowadays. Not all of them are wrong, not all of them are right either. It boils down to your real motive for wanting a partner. It can’t be a decision made solely on external appearances and personal assumptions.

Dating because of looks…?
I once knew a guy who was very good looking. He was very nice to me and I thought we’d be great together. But during every phone call, there were long pauses- we had nothing in common. He did sports. I clearly did not. Nothing came out of it. Up till today, we still have nothing to talk about.

Dating can’t be a game. It’s much too difficult and complicated to be a game.

It must be a conscious decision to be committed to someone. A realistic exploration of marriage in the foreseeable future. Couples dating casually wouldn’t think seriously to sort out differences and conflicts, because the option of the cut-and-run is always there and it’s always more appealing than to struggle things through.

I was a commitment phobe. I would cut-and-run from every relationship as soon as I felt I was going to get hurt. God taught me the hard way, to learn to trust Him and to trust people.

2 months today and counting…

The mini squirmishes, tiny disagreements, small quarrels, medium arguments and large fights have been adding up too. (Contrary to fairytale belief, real relationships have real fights.) Some weeks there are more, some weeks there are less. But everytime, by God’s grace really, we’d find some way to resolve it. Sometimes in an hour, sometimes after several.

And it isn’t easy. It’s not easy to admit that you are in the wrong when you are still fuming. It’s not easy to forgive a person when you are still counting the ways he is wrong. But it isn’t impossible either. The benefits are real. When someone backs off, the whole conversation turns around.

And of course, dating isn’t all bad stuff. It’s wonderful when he comes to bring you for supper after you’ve worked late, when he gets your favourite flowers for your birthday when you never thought of having any, when you do the things you both love, when you hold hands while napping on the train ride home, when you pray together for each other, and when you both commit never to do anything that will hurt the relationship…

It’s an experience I know I wouldn’t trade for anything else.

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