I hate changes…
I got this epiphany sitting on the train, with my SE blasting in my ears… Was having a strange kind of day, the type of day where nothing would go right. (yes, everything insisted on turning left…)
I was deconstructing my thoughts, my emotions, trying to figure out what’s wrong with me… To help me curb my tantrums so I dun flare up at innocent bystanders (like my family)… Then I discovered a strange pattern about me…
I hate changes…
- I hated moving from school to school (i.e. dhs-nj-ntu)
- I hated having to move in & out of hall twice a year
- I hated having to find a job and becoming an independent
- I hated it when my sister got married and had to move away
- I hated it when xa was disbanded
- I hated it when the cell moved to a new section & I no longer had cw&jl as my SLs
- I hate getting last minute bombs thrown at me @ school or work.
- I hate it when my favourite bags/shoes/clothes/accessories get torn/lost/old/spoilt and I have to get replacements
- I hate getting a new haircut
- I hate having to make conversation with unfamiliar people
This contradicts what a lot of people know about me. I’m a P. I like to work under spontaneity. Which is completely true. I dun like overtly meticulous planning. I like leaving room for last minute surprises. And I thrive on adrenaline!
But what I also noticed is, I can work with changes, but I may not like all of them. There’s a sort of calculated change that I’m happy to live with. The kind where you expect something might change. Like leading cell, changing actor schedules or having screw ups at a book launch.
No matter how much you are able to work with change, there are some things that just cannot change. You can’t change a design if your computer crashes, and you can’t run around if your trusty shoes disappeared into thin air so you have to take time out to get new ones.
Whenever I met such changes, the major ones, my first reaction was to resist it. Whether or not it was a good and sensible change. Which suddenly explained a lot of my own past behaviour. Hmmm…
Thank goodness my adverse reaction to major changes is nothing more than a knee jerk reaction. Cos I seriously doubt I’d be where I am today if it weren’t. I’d be a whole lot more disagreeable, miserable, angry, and reclusive. Looking back, I’ve learn to live with and accept a lot of the changes that I mentioned in the list earlier, and seeing the good in all of them.
Then there are those things that really truly never ever change, things that you can always fall back on… My family’s love, patience and support. And most of all - God’s love, protection and acceptance for who I am, no matter how I feel or what I’ve done. =)